You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
