Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
