I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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