thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
