Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
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