This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
