Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
