He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
