I think my fart just growled at me.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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