Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
