god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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