This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
