Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
