hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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