the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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