Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
