as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
