Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
