Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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