i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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