he was CRYING into my vagina
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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