I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
