she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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