just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
