Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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