We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
