we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize