don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
