i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
