I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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