If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
