mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
