To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
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The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
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Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
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