And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
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Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
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FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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