I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
