throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
