I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
nutella sex= disaster
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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