I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
