the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
