I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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