my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I need to align my fucking chakras
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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