If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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