I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
