why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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