We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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