if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
