70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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