look no pants
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You are a genius and a whore.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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