I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
