Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
