just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
