You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
