You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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