Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
