Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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