Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
