I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
