I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
