don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
