I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
